Wrestling

Yesterday I was really wrestling with my flesh and mind. I had so much on my mind and began to worry and it began to stir up anger within me. My body began to ache and I started to get a headache. I kept wavering from God's Word and then to my anger again. I was becoming so exhausted that I was too tired to care... too tired to cry... and too tired to even vent. It was definitely a battle but I knew to look to God for help, because I was obviously going to fail if I only relied on myself. Today I felt peace but again those ill feelings kept trying to rise up again. I did my daily reading according to a reading plan and today's Psalm seemed absolutely appropriate for me: "Listen God! Please, pay attention! Can you makes sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help. Every morning you'll hear me at it again. Every morning I lay out the pieces of my life on your altar and watch for fire to descend" (Ps5:1-3 MSG). The beginning was exactly was going through my mind. I had so many thoughts trying to consume me and was only getting confused and frustrated with them. I wanted to just give it to God for Him to handle it. And then after I read the chapter in Psalms I was directed to pray and worship the Lord. I started out sincerely apologizing and asking forgiveness for allowing my carnal emotions and thoughts take control of me. Then I began to worship. The Spirit quickly led me to pray that my words and worship would be fragrant, not stinky with my emotions and previous thoughts. Then the Lord directed me to get on the ground face down and lay still before Him. It was an amazing time with God-- much needed time to get myself together again and believe the Lord is in control. I was brought back to remember that I am only human but I have a big God who is much bigger than my problems. He knows we were created from dust, and are vulnerable to temptation, and human emotions. However, all he asks is that we rely on Him to get us through our moments of weakness. My God is beautiful and I stand in awe of His Word.

Where are they now?

I was on Facebook checking up on old friends and classmates. It is crazy how many different directions everyone has gone. Most of my friends from high school have their degree and are heading to med school. Some of them have gotten married and started extending their families. Some are happily single and traveling. There are a few that look like they haven't gone anywhere... just bums pretty much. I was looking at pictures and I almost envied those that are traveling and living their life to the fullest. I look at my life and try not to compare. Everyone has their own route they take. There is no one plan that fits all. Not everyone will graduate high school, go to college, get their degree, get married, and have babies, all in that order. I, for example, graduated high school, immediately went to community college, took advantage of a trip to Australia, and then instead of continuing school I suddenly found myself in the military. Here I am now, in the military, taking some online classes, and happy with my boyfriend. I am content for the most part, but I of course wouldn't mind doing some traveling and being proactive in creating memories. I don't know God's plan for me, but I am just going with the flow. A few years ago I would have never expected myself in the military or in South Dakota. Who knows where God will lead me next? Proverbs 16:9 pretty much says that man may have a bunch of plans in his heart, but ultimately, God determines his steps. I know I can't envy everyone else because that was God's plan for them, which may be a completely path than what God has in store for me.